His Mysterious Lady
by God of Mishief
Summary: (title is a reference to the stage musical) After Captain Hook tries to win over the Mysterious Lady in the woods, he comes to discover something he didn't think possible about his first mate. Smee is less than pleased with his Captain's ignorance.


His Mysterious Lady

Smee was angry, angrier than the Captain had ever seen him. His freckled face, the one he had from his seemingly Irish background, was red, and his eyes were bright with what could be perceived as fury. His hands clenched and unclenched at his sides, and his fingers were constantly twitching towards Johnny Corkscrew.

"Smee, what do you think you're doing, getting on the ship before the Captain? Didn't I _just go over this_?" Hook yelled. He stalked over when his first mate didn't turn to face him. "Smee!" He snapped, raising a hand to smack the smaller pirate to attention.

For once, the little man stilled the hand.

Smee still didn't turn, walking off instead to go under the deck to his sleeping quarters, leaving the dumbfounded crew and the reeling Hook.

However, the Captain couldn't resist knowing just what that act of behavior was, and after snapping at the crew to, "Get back to work, you bloody sea dogs!" he went into the bowels of the ship as well.

He found Smee sitting on Hook's bed, of all things. His knees were against his chest, his arms wrapped around them, and his chin resting there. His eyes were far away.

"Just what was that?" Hook roared.

"What-"

"I mean, if you wanted mutiny, just _say it_, don't just assume that because you are first mate you are above the fury of the hook!"

"Shut up about the damned mutiny, James!" Smee yelled. "And for the last time, I'm not scared of your fucking hook, okay!"

"Smee," Hook's eyes widened, shocked, "the language of a gentleman, please."

"What is a lady?" Smee asked, ignoring the chastisement.

"What?" Hook asked, taken aback at the sudden change in topic.

"I said, what is a lady?"

"Well, a lady is, well, a woman, but a classy woman. Elegant, beautiful, polite, learned; she's just what she should be," Hook tried to explain. Smee couldn't remember a time before Neverland, therefore he had never experienced a true lady, only Tiger Lily. Hook had never realized…

"I don't understand why a lady was enough to make you abandon your crew, Captain. Abandon _me_…" Smee said that last part so softly Hook couldn't hear.

"Well, a lady is more than just beautiful- she is soft, warm, and after so _many_ decades of pirating, I can't help but find myself wanting of this. I long for the physical companionship that I formerly would have been able to find with a respectable marriage. Now all those doors are closed to me. And because of that bloody Pan, they shall never be open to me again!" Hook hit the wooden wall with his good hand. "For, even if I should get back, no one shall ever desire a man with a Hook for a hand."

"That is a lie, sir," Smee growled, unfolding himself.

"Pardon me?" Hook turned around, an edge of anger still sharp in his voice. Unlike the rest of the crew, however, Smee didn't find him intimidating when he had his temper tantrums. If they were alone, as they were now, he actually tended to ignore them.

"That is a lie." Smee took a deep breath before running his hand over the cool metal of the hook all the way to where steel met skin; he stroked the seam. "I desire the man with the hook."

Hook's breath drew in sharply. He went to take his hand away, but the little pirate held fast.

"Am I not warm, Captain?" Smee pressed against the tall, dark figure in front of him. He took Hook's good hand, and he pressed it to the side of his face, the one that remained baby smooth despite the years at sea. One could only tell his age through his eyes. "Am I not soft?"

"Smee, I-" the Captain gulped. "You may be, but you are not a woman. You must be a woman to be a lady."

Smee's face twisted as he turned away.

"Yes, and I suppose the terrible Captain Hook wants only a lady, a _woman_ in his bed, as seen today, as he went parading after _his mysterious lady_ in the woods!" It was the only time "terrible" was used negatively on the Jolly Rodger, and it made Smee sick to know he was possibly hurting his best friend, but meanwhile, the poor man was in pain.

"It wasn't even a lady, Smee! It was PAN!"

"So you would rather have Pan in your bed than me! So glad you have made yourself clear, sir; I'll leave you be now."

"Don't leave!" Hook grabbed Smee's hand. "Not now, Smee; not…not ever."

Smee didn't dare turn around. "Sir?"

"Not…not sir," Hook cleared his throat, awkward with sentiment. "Just, just James."

"James?"

"Just with you, Smee."

"James, don't toy with me," Smee warned. However, the Captain had leaned down, pressing his lips to the side of his first mate's neck.

"I would never; I do not toy with my lovers. Tease, _yes_, but never toy," he teeth grazed sensitive skin, and Smee shivered.

He turned in James's arms, looking up into hazel eyes, and dared to hope.

"Why would I have a lady in my bed if I had known I had this option?"

"You mean it, James? It's me you want?"

"Yes, Smee, only you," the Captain pressed a gently kiss to the little pirate's forehead.

"Then might I recommend to my James to take this to the bed?" Smee nuzzled at Hook's neck.

"Not now, Smee," the man chuckled. "When this business with Pan is over, I will take you to that bed and ravish you, but until then, I shall satisfy myself with holding you close before I go out to lay into the crew for letting the boy sneak away."

"But as soon as Pan is dead?" Smee looked hopeful.

"Of course, tomorrow night, Smee, and we can really be together."

"And no more Mysterious Ladies?" Smee teased.

"Never again."

"Good, to the death of Pan then," Smee kissed James quickly before he had a chance to react, and he giggled. "I can't wait for tomorrow night."


End file.
